Drunken Eragon Parody
by Kos-Mos607
Summary: A parody of the Eragon movie I wrote when I was completely hammered. Very funny. Warning: contains, slash, incest, lots drunken madness and smartass comments. If that isn't your cup of tea don't read.
1. Chapter 1

Like the summery said this is a little something I came up with when I was drunk. The two names in here are real people. Kos-Mos is me and Silverfox is my buddy Christina. We co write tons of junk like this together all the time. Hope you all enjoy.

_Part 1_

_2:30pm, location: outside of theater_

**Kos-Mos607:** Caption's log, December 15. Time: 2:30 pm. Status: outside theater with Lt Silverfox. We are currently outnumbered by LotR nerds!

**Silverfox02:** Hey!

**Kos-Mos607:** Request back up!

**Silverfox02:** Why are we seeing this again?

**Kos-Mos607:** Because I had to sit through "See No Evil" twenty times and I want my revenge. Plus, it's a Garrett Hedlund movie.

**Silverfox02:** Oh. Figures. All it takes to get your attention is one hot guy. So is this any good?

**Kos-Mos607: **Book was pretty good.

**Silverfox02:** It's a book?

**Kos-Mos607:** (Rolls eyes) Yeah, where have you been?

**Silverfox02:** Don't know, probably AMA land again. I lose so many hours in there. (Smiles)

**Kos-Mos607:** Yeah…. But sadly, I can't stay there to long. Onward!

_The opening credits roll._

**Brom: **Blah, blah, blah, long ass time ago the land was ran by a group of outcasts- err heroes called The Dragon Riders. They were so powerful that no one could beat them expect for an evil little shit called Galbatorix. So he ran things for a while with the help of another rider called Morzan and both managed to completely wipe the riders off the face of the earth.

**SF:** Damn, that sucks.

**Brom:** Tell me about it. Now what many people aren't realizing is that I'm tossing out plot points left and right here and no one knows because all of yee are too lazy to read the damn books!!!  
**KM:** I have stumpy, give me your best shot.

**Brom:** (Glare) May I finish please?

**KM:** Sure, the sooner you get done talking the sooner I'll see Garrett Hedlund. Come on stumpy, wrap it up.

**Brom:** (Still glaring) Anyway, our hope rests upon the shoulders of a whiny farm boy. We are sooo fucked.

**SF:** Drama queen.

_The scene shows Arya being chased through the woods by Durza._

**Durza:** Give me the egg, bitch.

**Arya:** Never, you cannot have it. I will guard it with my life.

**KM:** Wow, so she does have a voice?

_Arya sends the egg away and Durza gets pissed and hits her. The scene shifts to a young but very hot blond boy trumping through the woods after his only means of dinner for the next 3 months!_

**Eragon:** Gotcha!  
_  
A blue light appears and the deer runs away._

**Eragon:** WTF!!!

**All:** Ooooh, it's shiny.

**Eragon:** Well, even though I'm gonna starve for the next three months might as well take this thing home with me.

_Eragon puts the egg away and sets off towards home. The scene shifts to Eragon's village. _

**KM:** Wow, they moved through 3 chapters in five minutes.

**Sloan:** Well, our hot little jail-bait returns home. What brings your poor ass over here?

**Eragon:** I'm starving you moron! I was wondering if—

**Sloan:** Sorry, I'm not accepting cursed blue stones that hatch into dragons today. Get out!

**Eragon:** Fine. (stomps off mad)

**Katrina:** Wait, you mean I don't get any screen time?

**Stefen Fangmeier:** Nope sorry. I made Roran single to appease the rabid fangirls.

**Fangirls:** Squeee!

**Katrina:** Retarded assholes! Read the damn book before you write the screen play! (also stomps away mad)

**Horst:** At least I got twenty seconds worth in.

**Brom:** Oh don't mind me; I'm just your average, frail old man that the whole village hates with a dark stormy past. I am in no way associated with whatever's going on. (looks around nervously)

**Eragon:** Whew, walking all of this way sucks. If only there was a much easier and faster way for me to travel. Like flying or something.

**Roran:** Ah, the brave hunter returns…with his invisible catch.

**Eragon:** Bite me.

**Roran:** Love too…..oh fuck, the slash fans are messing with my brain again.

**Slash fans:** Don't know what he's talking about (hides the mind controlling device.)

**Eragon:** Yeah, whatever (him and Roran start playing fighting)

**Eragon and Roran shippers:** Yay!

**Garrow:** Stop it boys, you're giving the slash fans ideas. Now get your hot asses to work!

_Eragon wanders up to his room and hides the stone. The scene shifts to him and Roran getting all hot and sweaty in the fields._

**Slash fans: **Hey now, this is our kind of movie.

**Stefen Fangmeier**: No not like that! They're doing actual farm work. Jeez!

**Slash fans:** Aw!

**Roran:** I'm leaving…

**Eragon:** Is it that part of the book already? Jeez, where does the time go?

**Roran:** You got me. I thought I'd be getting some decent screen time at least. Anyway, I'm leaving. I'm finally old enough to get out on my own and see the world. Well, I will while on the run from the king's solders but dammit, there's no way I'll ever serve in the army.

**Christopher Paolini:** Guess again! (Hold's copy of Eldest up)

**Roran:** Oh fuck me!

**Fangirls:** Gladly!


	2. Chapter 2

**Part 2**

_That night…_

**Thump thump!**

**Slash fans:** Someone's getting lucky.

**Thump thump!**

**Eragon:** (wakes up) Wazzgoinon.

_The stone/egg starts wobbling and cracks and a cute little baby Saphira pops out._

**Audience:** Awww!

**Eragon:** Not a stone…an egg.

**Caption Obvious:** Hey, that's my job!

**Baby Saphira:** (wobble) are you my mommy?

**Eragon:** (reads scrip) Wait, you're not supposed to talk yet.

**Saphria:** Oh, right. I mean. Grrr. Hiss. Whine.

**Audience:** Awww!

**SF:** Holly Hell! Kill it before it eats you!

**KM:** This is what I get when I bring a redneck to the movies.

_Eragon reaches out and touches the cute little baby dragon and then passes out._

**Brom:** Hmm, my foreshadowing senses are tingling.

**Galbatorix:** Woo-hoo, I finally get some screen time.

**Ayra:** Like, a little help please!

_Eragon wakes up after seeing small foreshadowing glimpses of some elf chick._

**Eragon:** Damn, I'm never drinking again.

**KM:** Yeah, we've all had those days.

**SF:** You're having one right now.

**Uncle Garrow:** Eragon, get that hot ass out of bed already!

_Eragon and Garrow give Roran a tearful goodbye._

**Roran:** I don't know when I'll ever see you guys again. Well father, actually this _is_ the last time that I'll ever see you again, but yeah.

**Stefen Fangmeier**: One more plot point and you're fired!

**Roran:** So what, I only have five more seconds of face time anyway.

**Roran fangirls:** What?!?!?!?!

**Garrow:** One day Eragon, you'll grow up and find your own destiny

**Eragon:** But I like my life the way it is

**Garrow:** Well then kid you're gonna be SOL in about five minutes.

**Eragon:** WHAT?

**Garrow:** I mean, um, have I ever told you about your mother? Oh, she was a piece of work. .

**Eragon:** Tell me about it. She abandoned me. (Pouts)

**Garrow:** Yeah, she just ran off one day with some dark stranger. Sure he was hot, but we all knew he was trouble.

**KM:** Well if he's 1/10 as hot as his son I can't blame her.

**SF:** Yeah, Eragon's kinda hot. A bit whiney and skinny but—

**KM:** I don't mean that one!

**SF:** What?

**Audience:** What?

**Stefen Fangmeier**: Quiet you!

**Garrow:** I mean, err, go to bed. And make sure you stay away from that stone thingy you brought home!

**Eragon:** But it's not a stone, it's an e—

**Garrow:** Night!

_The following day/night/what-the-fuck-ever, Eragon's wandering through the village and just happens to stumble into random bitching from his fellow villagers._

**Horst:** No word from my sons. None. If this was the book I could go up to those solders and snap them in half! Curse you screen writers!

**Stefen Fangmeier**: Hey, don't blame me 'cause you're not half the man you were in the books.

**Horst:** You made me that way! What's next, you gonna have me killed?

**Stefen Fangmeier**: (looks over at the Ra'zac) Maybe…

**Random villager:** Dude, stop arguing with the screen writer and sit down!

**Horst:** (sits and grumbles the whole time)

**Brom:** (Sigh) it wasn't always like this.

**Horst:** Yeah, back in my day, screen writers respected actors.

**Brom:** No, I mean, back in my day our world was peaceful when it was ran by The Dragon Riders.

**Random villager:** Oh here we go again.

**Eragon:** (Listens intently)

**Brom:** Now I'm going to go into complete detail, just incase the future Rider is for some reason among us. (Looks at Eragon) Blah, long ass time ago, dragons and humans lived together, blah, Galbatorix was once a rider, blah, killed everyone. The time of the Riders is soon at hand.

**SF:** Wow that was oddly descriptive.

**KM:** Mm-hm, no foreshadowing hints there.


	3. Chapter 3

Part 3

**Eragon:** Brom said the time of the Rider's is now, so off you go!

**Saphira:** I can fly?

**Audience:** She can fly?

**KM:** Can we stop with the Peter Pan dialog already?

_Saphira takes the sky and flies away._

**Eragon:** She's gone. (Gets all teary eyed)

**Audience:** Aw.

**SF:** What, the movie's over with already?

**KM: **Wow, I heard it sucks but I didn't think it was this bad.

**Stefen Fangmeier**: Wait for it.

**Eragon: **Ow! WTF! (Stares down at his hand as it starts glowing)

_Magically Saphira grows five sizes, roughly cutting out atleast half of the damn book length._

**Eragon book readers:** WTF!!!

**Stefen Fangmeier**: Hey, I saved you all the headache of hearing Eragon bitch about walking everywhere. You should thank me!

**Eragon book readers:** No!

**Stefen Fangmeier**: Fine then, no Murtagh.

**All:** What?!

**Eragon:** Who?

**All:** Fine, you win.

**Stefen Fangmeier**: Though so (Grins)

**Eragon:** Wait, who the hell is this Mur-Tug guy?

**Murtagh:** Yeah, who is he?

**All:** IT'S MURTAGH!

**Eragon:** Whatever! Who the hell is that?

**Saphira:** Ah-hem! Hello, fully grown blue dragon to your left blond!

**Eragon:** What? (Turns head) Oh.

**Saphira: **Hello Eragon. I am Saphira, I know it's odd that I already have a name and that the audience will never know the full story behind it but, I am your kick ass dragon and you are my little - starts - off - kinda - whiney - but - will - soon - grow - up - too - be -the - world's - best - rider.

**Eragon:** I'm sorry, are you talking to me or the voices inside my head?

**Saphira: **Why did I pick him again?

**Christopher Paolini: **You got me. He wasn't this dumb in the book.

**Eragon fans: **Yes he was.

**Eragon:** Who the hell are all of you people!

**Eragon fans:** We're your fangirls. Duh.

**Eragon:** Oh…wait; are you the ones that stalk me 24/7?

**Slash fans:** Nope, that's us.

**Eragon:** Riiight. Um, moving on.

_The movie shifts to Eragon causally walking through his village towards Brom's house_

**Brom:** Dammit fangirls, I told you to leave me the hell alone. And stop shipping me with Eragon dammit!

**Brom and Eragon shippers:** No!

**Eragon:** Hi, I was wondering if you could kindly tell me about dragons and their history and junk for no particular reason.

**Brom:** Sure my little jail-bait, come right on in. That's it; bring those cute-but-barley-legal-buns in here.

**Eragon:** What?

**Brom:** (Blinks) Oh hell, the slash fans are screwing with my head again.

**Slash fans:** No we're not! (Hides the mind-control device).

**Brom:** Anyway, yes. A long time ago the Dragon Riders ruled over the world, until Galby and Morzan blew everything to hell.

**Eragon:** Morzan? I know I've heard that name before…

**Brom:** I'll bet you have…

**Eragon: **Huh?

**Brom:** I mean, it's late. Go home boy before the slash fans start screwing with my head again.

**Eragon:** Wait, how come a random, village drunk/story teller knows so much?

**Brom:** Stick around and I'll show those cute little bon-bons more things I know about (Sexy wink)

**Eragon:** Okay, not weird at all.

**Brom:** (Shakes fist at the slash fans) Stop it!

**Eragon/Brom shippers:** Oh come on…let us have some fun.

**Eragon:** Like ew. How about someone my age?

**KM:** Fine. Murtagh it is then.

**Eragon:** Who's that?

**Brom: **Never you mind, now run along and leave me to my fics.

_Eragon leaves Brom's house and on his way home he encounters the Ra'zac._

**Sloan:** He lives at the farm down the road! I swear that's all I know.

**Ra'zac:** I'm sorry, your answer must be in the form of a question (Stabs him with a hook)

**Eragon: **Fuck! (Runs away)

**KM:** Smart move there genius.

**Saphira:** Eragon, it's you they're after!

**Audience:** No shit, really?

**Eragon:** I guess this is a bad time to mention that I'm afraid of heights.

_Saphira takes to the air with Eragon and after a long, humorous bickering battle she tossing him on a haystack near his farm._

**Eragon:** Uncle! No! (Cries)

**Audience:** Now that's a shame.

**KM:** Oh come on, we all saw that one coming!

**SF:** Typical hero's journey movies.

**Saphira:** Eragon, I'm sorry.

**Eragon:** Go away!

**Saphira:** (Shrugs and flies away)

**Brom:** Hmm, that's odd; did you feel that sudden draft?

**Eragon:** What are you doing here?

**Audience:** That's what we wanna know.

**KM:** Oh come on people, it's obvious.

**Stefen Fangmeier: **One more plot point and you're outa here!

**KM:** Fine. (Grumbles)


	4. Chapter 4

**Part 4**

**Brom:** Now that we're all alone, why don't you make those cute little buns of yours useful and call that lazy dragon of yours.

**Eragon:** But I can't, she flew away.

**Audience:** Don't blame her.

**Brom:** Use your mind blond!

**Eragon:** Oh. (Links with Saphira) Um, come back please.

**Saphira:** Make up your damn mind!

_Saphira lands gracefully in the clearing._

**Brom:** Great googly moogly!

**Eragon:** This is Brom…he knows dragons.

**Saphira:** He knows dragon? I'll be the judge of that.

**Brom:** That dragon's bitchin' man.

**Saphira:** Yer damn right!

**Brom:** Well since your life is currently fucked, why don't we travel to the Vardin?

**Eragon:** The what?

**Brom:** The Varden, the only people in the book who have atleast some balls to stand up to Galby. And since you're the only one with a dragon these days, I'm sure they'll have a use for you.

**Eragon:** I don't have a choice do I?

**Christopher Paolini: **Nope!

**Eragon**: Bugger!

_A long ass time later, Eragon and Brom happen to stumble across a group of Urgles robbing a bunch of stand-ins._

**Brom:** Damn they move fast. We should probably run like hell.

**Eragon:** What? I wanna fight.

**Brom:** What part of run like hell did you not understand?

**Eragon:** I have skills. (Cocky glare)

**KM:** I'll be you do.

**Eragon/Brom shippers:** Skills hmm?

**Brom:** Skills you say…well, I'm sure you wouldn't mind showing me these "Skills" you posses.

**Eragon/Brom shippers:** Please do (Evil grin)

_Brom and Eragon find a nice, secluded area to "Practice in"_

**Eragon/ Brom shippers: **This just keeps getting better and better.

**Stefen Fangmeier: **(Glares)

**Brom:** Right then, let's see these skills of yours. (Tosses Eragon a long, hard stick)

**Eragon:** You're kidding right? You know I'll totally kick your ass don't you?

**Brom:** (Wicked grin) Humor me.

_Eragon swings his stick and Brom counters and smacks the shit out of him._

**Brom:** Oops, did I just kick your ass?

**Eragon:** WTF!

**Brom:** Never judge a book by its cover dumb ass. Don't you know anything about these hero's journey movies?

_A short while later._

**Eragon:** Grrr. I can't believe I got my ass handed to me by a geezer.

**Saphira:** Yep, you're pretty pathetic.

**Eragon:** Hey, you're supposed to be on my side!

**Brom: **Damn flint. Light dammit!

**Fire sparks:** Screw you!

**Brom:** Fine. Brisingr!

**Fire sparks:** Dammit!

**Eragon:** What was that?

**Brom:** I started the fire, obviously. Now stop your bitching!

**Eragon:** (Pouts) Fine.

_The three of them finally make their way towards the river town of Daret._

**Brom:** Now stay here and for god's sake don't talk to anyone. Especially the blond fortune teller chick who speaks nonsense!

**Eragon:** Uh, okay.

_Brom scampers off and despite what he was told, Eragon wanders around. Soon a dark but very hot man comes into view._

**KM:** OMG! It's Garrett. (Screams)

**SF:** Damn, he's hot.

**Audience:** Mm-hm!

_Despite the hot man giving him the "Come Hither" eyes, Eragon quickly ducks into a nearby tent._

**KM: **WTF! Where's the camera going? Nooo!

**Eragon/Murtagh shippers:** Aw!

**Angela:** Would you like Angela to read your fortune and mess with that pretty blond head of yours?

**Eragon:** Uh, sure.

_Angela and Eragon sit down at a table as the witch begins her fortune telling._

**Angela:** I see, I woman. She's in much danger.

**KM:** Tell me about it, they've started shipping her with Durza.

**Angela:** I also see a hot, dark-hired, leather clothed man. He's very handsome and he'll enter your life very soon. I also see that he'll treat you much better then the damn high-horsed elf chick you've been pinning after for two damn books.

**KM:** Damn that chick's good.

**Eragon:** Dark leather-clad man. Hmmm.

**Stefen Fangmeier: **Don't you even think about it!

**Murtagh/Eragon shippers: **Party pooper!

_Eragon leaves Angela's tent and finds Brom._

**Brom:** Where the hell have you been, I thought the fangirls had gotten a hold of you!

**Eragon:** No, I just had my fortune read by this weird chick and—

**Brom:** I told you to stay away from her! She's giving out too many plot points.

**Audience:** Like we care?

**Eragon: **Hmm, is it just me or did it just get oddly quiet all of a sudden.

**Brom:** Yeah, now that you mention it…oh fuck! Run!

_Urgles appear out of nowhere and start attacking the two of them. _

**Eragon:** OMG! We're all gonna die!

**Brom:** Stop being a drama queen and start fighting already! Charge!

_Brom starts kicking ass left and right while Eragon stands there and quivers._

**Brom:** You know a little help would be nice!

**Eragon:** What should I do?

**KM:** Yell Brisingr dumb ass!

**Eragon:** Um, okay. Brisingry.

_Nothing happens._

**KM:** Brisingr!

**Eragon:** Oh. Brisingr!

_The tip of Eragon's arrow glows blue and then blasts everything in a 20-mile radius to hell!_

**Audience: **Wow…

**KM:** 'Atta boy!


	5. Chapter 5

Part 5

_The next morning…_

**Eragon:** Damn, I'm never drinking again…

**Brom:** Oh good, your dumb blond ass is awake.

**Eragon:** Where are we?

**Brom:** The middle of bum-fuck nowhere, can't you tell?

**Eragon:** What happened?

**Brom:** You used magic, duh.

**Eragon:** I used magic?

**Brom:** No the blue flamed you summoned was just swamp gas exploding.

**Agent K:** Stop plagiarizing me!

**Eragon:** I know magic?

**Brom: **And so does your dragon, now if you don't mind, we're gonna skip the next five chapters in the book where you learn all this shit so we can entertain the audience with some cool CGI flaying bits.

**Audience:** Woot!

**Saphira:** Come on! My wings are rusting over here!

**Eragon:** It doesn't look that bad up here…

**Stefen Fangmeier: **Wait for it…

**Eragon:** Mommy.

_Saphira takes off while Eragon scream like a little nacey boy and the audience is entertained for a few minutes._

**Audience:** Woohoo!

**Stefen Fangmeier: **That's it…soon you all will be under my control.

**KM:** Did you say something?

**Stefen Fangmeier: **I mean…look Ra'zacs!

**Saphira:** Ra'zacs!

**Eragon:** No. Brom can't defend himself!

**Brom:** The hell I can't! (Takes out Zar'roc and starts whooping ass!)

_Despite Brom having things completely in control, Eragon and Saphira come flying to the rescue._

**Eragon:** Charge!

**Ra'zac:** Guess again fool!

_Eragon tumbles off of Saphira who in turn smacks into a tree._

**Eragon:** Die! (Strangles the bugger with a tree branch.)

_Eragon rushes to Brom aid only to see that the former rider—er story teller kills the Ra'zac with Zar'roc._

**Brom:** I told you I didn't need your help. I'm not as frail as I look you know.

_The scene shifts to Eragon, Brom and Saphira sitting in a clearing._

**Brom:** God you are the dumbest brat I've ever met, not only did you put yourself and me in danger; you almost killed your dragon. Chris should've started you off with a dog instead.

**Christopher Paolini: **(Glare)

**Eragon:** Drama Queen.

**Saphira:** (Snicker)

**Brom:** Screw you guys, I'm going home!

**Christopher Paolini: **No you're not!

**Brom:** Bugger!

**Eragon: **You know, I just noticed something. Why is your right hand always covered?

**Brom:** Um, because it's cold traveling around like this. Now stop asking questions already.

_Eragon slices Brom's sleeve open and sees the mark on his hand._

**Audience:** (Gasp)

**KM:** Oh come on people. You can't tell me it wasn't obvious!

**Eragon:** You where a rider this whole time and you didn't tell me? Dude, that's not cool.

**Brom:** I _was_ a rider. I'm not now obviously or I wouldn't be walking my old ass everywhere now would I?

**Eragon:** What happened?

**Brom:** You're father—err, Morzan killed my dragon. So in turn I cut his throat and stole his sword. Then I hid out in your village to watch over you.

**Brom/Eragon shippers**: Awww…

**Stefen Fangmeier: **(Glare)

_Durza's castle…_

**Durza:** For the umpteenth time, where the fuck is the damn egg?

**Ayra:** Fuck you!

**Durza:** Where's the egg?

**Arya:** Fuck your momma!

**Durza:** Where's the egg?

**Arya:** Fuck your sister

**Durza:** Where's the damn egg?

**KM:** Whew, things are getting pretty heated in there.

**Arya/Durza shippers:** (Takes notes)

**Durza:** To hell with this. (Uses magic)

**Arya:** Dammit.

_Eragon's fast asleep in the clearing._

**Eragon:** Mmm, I love you dark haired, leather-clad man of my dreams. Take me…

**Ayra: **Help me Obi-one, you're my only hope!

**Eragon:** Huh, where'd my dream go?

**Eragon/Murtagh shippers:** Dammit!

**Ayra:** Save me, I'm being held Prisoner by a complete fucktard who thinks red hair is a fashion statement.

**Durza:** (Glare)

**Eragon:** Where are you?

**Arya:** At the dark scary castle over the horizon. You honestly can't miss it.

**Durza:** There was that so damn hard?

_The clearing:_

**Brom:** Now where the bloody hell do you think you're going?

**Eragon:** To save Ayra.

**Brom:** Who? (Thinks for a moment) Wait, how do you know that name?

**Eragon:** She's in Durza's castle and I'll be damned if I don't rush in there foolishly and almost get myself killed for it.

**Brom:** Have I taught you nothing? Does anything get through that thick blond head of yours? You just can't go running in there—

**Eragon:** Your shame is not mine!

**Audience:** (Gasps)

**KM:** Well, that was uncalled for.

**Brom:** Fine. Get your skinny ass killed for all I care. Atleast I still got my fics to occupy my time.

**KM:** (Looks over at SF) You don't think he'll find one of mine do you?

**SF:** Why?

**KM:** Oh, just because (Looks around nervously)

**Brom: **WTF! Who the hell paired me with Morzan?

**KM:** (Whistles innocently.)

**Morzan:** At least, they didn't pair you with Galbatorix, so stop whining already and go back to your... to whatever you were doing in that clearing.

Later...

_Eragon sneaks his way into Durza's castle to rescue Ayra. While walking into the castle he spies as lone but very hot man watching him._

**KM:** Wooo! It's Garrett!

**SF:** Damn, he looks good when he's all dark and gloomy.

_Camera follows Eragon._

**KM:** Nooo! Not again!

_A long ass time later...still no Murtagh._

**KM: **Come on! Where's my hot sexy man candy at?

_Eragon walks right into a completely obvious trap laid out by the evil Durza_

**Durza:** Wow, so young, I expected someone much more older and more manly then your skinny ass.

**Eragon:** Eww, did he just hit on me? I'll show you. (Swings sword but misses the idiot

completely.)

**Durza:** Miss me; miss me, now you have to kiss me!

**Eragon:** The hell with that. Eat fire! (Casts fire spell but feels weak afterwards) Whoa... 

**Audience:** (Slaps hands to their foreheads)

**KM and SF:** (Slaps hands to their foreheads) D'oh! You idiot!

**Durza:** Haha! Now you can't possibly fend off my advances.

**Eragon:** Noooo! Help poor little, innocent me!  
**Durza:** Innocent...you mean you never bumped a middle?

**Eragon:** Huh?

**Durza:** Never played hide the willy with anyone?

**Eragon:** I'm not following.

**Durza:** Sharpened the sword, trusted the spears, dropped the balls...come on boy I can do this all day.

**KM:** He's asking if you're a virgin you idiot!

**Eragon:** Oh...no I lost that when I was 14

**All:** WHAT!?!?!?!

**KM and SF:** (Spits out soda and coughs loudly) WHAT?!?!?!

**Eragon:** Ah-hm, I live with one hot ass cousin, incase you don't remember.

**SF:** No we don't, his screen time was, what, four minutes!

**KM:** Damn. Now that's kinky!

**Eragon:** Hey, you're the one wanting to slash me with my brother here!

**Durza:** Ah-hm!

**All: **Huh, what?

**Durza:** As I was saying...you can't stop me now. You're mine boy!

**Eragon:** Eep!

**Brom:** I'll save you! (Heroic leap in front of Durza's spear.)  
_  
_**Brom:** Ooh, that's gonna be a bitch in the mornin'

_Murtagh appears right after Brom plays the hero._

**Murtagh:** I suggest you run...or at least smoke some of these SOB's with that dragons of yours, not that I couldn't handle them myself with my gruff charm and superior fighting skills, but you know, whatever works for you I guess.

**Eragon:** Okay strange man-whom-I've-never-met-before-but-share-a-dark-secret-with, I'll leave it up to you. (Runs away)

**KM:** Yay! Murtagh ass-kicking bits. Woooot!!!

**SF:** (Moves away...far away)


	6. Chapter 6

_Part 6_

**Brom:** Curses, who knew I was to follow the same fate as every old mentor in these hero's journey stories. Well, at least I got some decent screen time in. Had this been the book I would've been dead a long ass time ago, plus I got to fly on a dragon one last time (Dies happily)

**Arya:** Thank you for saving me and sorry about Brom dying for you. Thank god this isn't the book otherwise I'd be in a coma and all Eragon would have for company is Murtagh so in a way, I'm denying the slash fans good material to use.

**Eragon/Murtagh shippers:** WHAT?!?!

**KM and SF:** Die!!!!

**Durza: **Guess again bitch. (Poisons her skinny ass)

**KM and SF:** Our savior!

**Durza:** You can thank me by slashing me with that hot blond number Eragon. (Wink)

**KM:** Guess again, he's Murtagh's!

**Durza:** You can't do that! Don't you know that they're-"

**Stefen Fangmeier:** Shhh! They're not gonna know that until the next movie!

**Durza:** (Clears throat) ANYWAY, die bitch!

**Arya:** Fuck. (Passes out)

**KM and SF:** Yay!

**Saphira:** Someone is stalking us. It might be the slash fans! (Growls and flies away)

**KM and SF:** It can't be, we're right here.

**Slash fans:** Dido.

_Murtagh flops on the ground after being found by an enraged dragon._

**KM:** Yay!!!!!

**Eragon:** Who are you?

**Murtagh:** Oh, I'm Murtagh, the token hottie every hero's journey movie needs. Orlando Bloom wasn't returning our calls so they picked me.

**KM:** Thank god!

**SF:** Damn!

**Murtagh:** So, I figured since you have a dragon and I'm now a major character I'd join you on your noble quest...mission…...thing!

**SF:** Well, not much brains but at least he's nice to look at.

**KM:** That he is.

**Eragon:** Um okay then.

**Murtagh:** Good, no time for any background info on me, even though I'm a very important character with a dark past, I'm only in here for five scenes. To the Varden!

**KM:** What?!?!?!

**Garrett fans:** WTF!!!!

**Slash fans:** NOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**Murtagh:** You'll learn to trust me dragon rider (Sexy wink)

**Eragon:** Guh…

**KM:** That's my boy, guh….

**Eragon fans**: Guh…

**Saphira: **Grrr!!!! I'm a Brom/Eragon shipper

**Eragon:** What?

**Saphira**: I mean I don't trust him. If the slash fans had their way he'd be in your pants before we reached the Varden.

**Slash fans:** Yep

**Eragon:** (Glares at the slash fans) well good thing it only takes 20 seconds for us to get there.

**Slash fans:** Whatever, we all know you want it!

**KM:** Yeah! Toss in Roran while you're at it.

**Slash fans:** No way, they're cousins.

**KM:** So, Eragon and Murtagh are bro—

**Slash fans:** Shhh! We're not supposed to know that!

_Murtagh and Eragon travel through the mountain at record pace, even though in the book a shit load of junk happened along the way that brought the two boys closer together and gave hundreds of slash fans good material to use, and soon reach the waterfall that leads to the Varden headquarters._

**Eragon:** Wow, the secret door is behind the waterfall, who would've thunk it?

**Murtagh:** Hmm, spider scenes are tingling….

_A big fat Urgle jumps down from the cliff. Murtagh sees him just in time to reach over and firmly grasp the hard, warm, thick……… handle of Eragon's sword and cuts the fucker open. _

**KM:** Wooot!

**Eragon:** Thanks

**Murtagh:** (Hands Eragon back his sword) Don't mention it, even though I'm supposed to be petrified of this thing in the book and quiver every time you use it, I'm glad I could help. (Sexy wink again)

**All:** Guh…

**Saphira: **You know the Urgles are still getting closer!

**Murtagh:** (In a very sexy voice) you know, we came all this way and I haven't even told you my secret yet.

**Eragon:** Secret? (Grins)

**Slash fans:** Yeah baby.

**Saphira:** Hello? Urgles!

**Murtagh:** Did I tell you I have one sexy scar that I'm suppose to show you before we enter the Varden?

**Eragon:** Scar you say…

**Eragon/Murtagh shippers: **(Eats popcorn eagerly) Boy this is getting goooood.

**Saphira:** Dumb ass! Look behind you!

_Eragon and Murtagh both look at the approaching Urgles. _

**Eragon:** Shit, they're getting closer. Our only escape plan is to jump in the icy cold water and risk drowning.

**Murtagh:** Oh yes drowning, that's much better then being chopped into tiny pieces by the Urgles.

**Eragon: **Come on! (Jumps into water)

**Murtagh:** (Gazes down at the water and back at the Urgles for a long moment) Hmm, imprisonment or death. Tough call.

_After a long moment Murtagh tosses off his cape, reviling very hot and tight leather underneath—_

**Fangirls:** (Screams)

_-And dives into the water. Both boys struggle to swim with the currents and Eragon pulls Murtagh above the water and holds onto him tightly._

**KM:** Awww…

**Vardin:** WTF! Where'd y'all come from?

_The Vardin solders pull the boys out of the water and take them to Ajihad._

**Ajihad:** Which one of you is the rider?

**Eragon: **Duh.

**Ajihad:** Then by all means call your dragon inside so we can all star and drool over it.

**Eragon:** (Links with Saphira) Come on in. Bring the elf bitch.

_Saphira makes a big grand entrance and most of the Vardin are stunned. _

**Vardin:** Ooooh.

**Saphira:** Ayra's almost dead incase you're wondering.

**Eragon:** Who?

**Ayra:** (Cough) Eragon…

**Eragon:** Oh yeah, you. Um, we need healers.

_Saphira takes Ayra to the healers._

**Ajihad: **Time is short, the movie's ending in ten minutes, are you with us?

**Eragon:** I guess.

**Ajihad:** Good (Turns to Murtagh) WTF! How'd you get here?

**Murtagh:** Long story…

**Ajihad:** Seize him!

**KM:** What?!

**Eragon:** No! He saved me.

**Murtagh:** Yeah!

**Ajihad:** But he's the son of Morzan!

**Eragon:** Who? (Thinks for a long ass time) Oh…

**Murtagh:** (Broods silently)

**Eragon:** Is it true?

**Murtagh:** A son never chooses his father. All I ever received from that man was this! (Turns around and lifts his shirt up to revel a scar.)

**Garrett fans:** (Swoon)

**KM: **Ooooh, poor baby.

**Ajihad:** (Thinks for a moment) Ah hell, take him away!

**KM:** Asshole.

**Eragon/Murtagh shippers:** Just make sure you visit his ass when he's in prison. It's the only material we've got left!


	7. Chapter 7

I kinda added my own ending here 'cause the one in the movie pissed me off. One, I don't like Ayra, either version (I don't know why, I just don't) and two I feel the Garrett should've have a bigger part. That being said, hope no one minds...

Part Seven

_That night in the Vardin headquarters…_

**Dwarf #1:** Wow, what a beautiful day.

**Dwarf #2: **Yeah, what a perfect day, nothing can go wrong—

**Urgle:** Surprise!

**Dwarf #2:** (Monty Python voice) Run away!

**Dwarf #1:** Atleast we had a bigger part in here then Lord of the Rings!

_Meanwhile… The scene shifts to Eragon alone in his bedchambers… shirtless._

**Eragon:** Whew, what a day…it sure is nice to get off my damn feet for a minute.

**Christopher Paolini:** Don't get used to it!

**Eragon fans:** Wooot!

**KM:** (Ricky Bobbie voice) Oh god, please be eighteen.

**Nasuada:** Hello? (Looks around hopefully for a half-naked Eragon) Oh hello there.

**Eragon:** (Blushes) Um, hi.

**Eragon fans:** (groans) Oh sure, _she_ gets the full view.

**Nasuada:** Yer damn right I do!

**Eragon fans:** Bitch.

**Nasuada:** (Ignores) Anyway dragon rider, my father would like a word with you.

**Eragon:** Okay, just give me a moment to get all cleaned up.

**Nasuada:** Sure thing sweet cheeks. (Leaves)

**KM:** Wait, aren't you going to tell him to visit Murtagh?

**Nasuada:** Nope.

**KM:** Bitch.

_Eragon, Nasuada and Ajihad wander through the heart of the Vardin._

**KM:** Wait; isn't it supposed to be underground?

**Hrothgar:** Well we wanted it to be but someone wouldn't give us the funds for it (Glare)

**Stefen Fangmeier:** What?

**Ajihad:** Anyway, thank god you're here, that means the movie's ending soon and it's about time, I have a real award winning movie to star in.

**Eragon cast:** Lucky basterd.

**Eragon:** But what can I do? I'm just a farm boy… Who has a dragon!

**Ajihad:** Hence why we need you. You can smoke those ugly hornless SOBs quicker then you can say Hollywood flop.

**Eragon:** I don't have a choice do I?

**Christopher Paolini: **Of course not!

**Eragon:** Fine. (Grumbles)

_Later that night…_

**Eragon:** Damn this armor is heavy! How am I supposed to move in this damn thing?

**Ayra:** Oh quit your bitching!

**KM:** Finally you say something useful!

**Eragon:** Wow, you look…fit for battle.

**KM:** Oh smooth move, she'll be yours in about…never!

**Eragon:** Still even after all of my constant bitching, I want to know why Saphira chose me.

**Ayra:** (Shrugs) you got me.

_The whole lot of the Vardin prepare for battle._

**Murtagh:** Let me out dammit! This is nothing like the jail in the book. I'm supposed to be comfortable!

**Stefen Fangmeier:** Shut up. You'll be out soon enough.

**Murtagh:** Bite me!

**Stefen Fangmeier:** Bite Eragon!

**Slash fans:** Hah, success! (Keeps playing with mind control device)

**Saphira:** Can we move on? I want to show off my kick ass armor.

**Slash fans:** (Glare) fine.

**Eragon:** I have to know Saphira…why did you choose me?

**Saphira:** Hell if I know. Ask the genius over there.

**Christopher Paolini:** (Glare)

**Saphira: **I mean you choose a leader for his heart.

**Eragon: **Good enough for me, let's go kick some ass.

**Saphira:** (Roars)

_On the battle field…_

**Murtagh:** Goddammit let me out already!

**Urgle:** (T-Bag voice) Oh my, you are so pretty when you're scared.

_The Urgle charges Murtagh but gets its ass kicked and Murtagh's free._

**Murtagh:** Yes! (Starts kicking ass left and right)

**Urgles:** Hah! Now you're cornered! 

**Murtagh:** Fuck!

**Eragon:** Time to return the favor.

**KM:** Oh you two are going to fuck finally?

**Audience: **(Shocked expressions)

**KM:** What? You're all thinking it.

_Eragon flies over the bridge and kills all of the Urgles with one swipe of his sword._

**Saphira:** You know, I could've just used fire.

**Murtagh:** I guess we're even then.

**Eragon/Murtagh shippers:** Damn, there goes the last of our material.

**Durza:** Oh dragon rider, come out to plaaaaay.

**KM:** Damn he looks like shit.

**SF:** Some water wouldn't kill you…or chap-stick for that matter.

**Eragon:** Let's finish this!

_Durza and Eragon clash._

**KM:** Wow, this is better then the book.

**Saphira:** For you maybe!

_Saphira sustains a serious injury but encourages Eragon to keep fighting._

**Durza:** Hey bring that ass back here, we're not done yet!

**Eragon:** Oh yes we are!

_Saphira launches him at Durza and Eragon finally stabs him in the heart. _

**Eragon:** I expected better.

**Eragon fans:** So did we.

**KM:** Hey it wasn't that bad.

**Eragon:** Yeah, I didn't get my back cut open like in the book. Now I won't be like Murtagh.

**KM:** On second thought, the book was better.

**Saphira:** Hello, I'm still hurt here.

**Eragon:** No, you can't die. We still have two more movies to make.

**Audience: **(Groans)

_Saphira's eyes close and Eragon collapses on here after his attempts at healing her._

_The next morning…Eragon wakes up to see Murtagh watching over him._

**Eragon/Murtagh shippers:** Awww…

**Eragon:** Where's Saphira?

**Murtagh:** Well, the thing is… (Looks sad)

**Eragon:** Nooo!!! (Cries)

**Murtagh:** I'm kidding. She's over there. Jeez.

**Eragon:** Yay!

_Eragon and Saphira share a long ass moment of friendly bickering._

**Eragon:** Where's Ayra?

**Murtagh:** She left. But I'm still here. (Sexy grin)

**Saphira:** Yeah, screw the elf bitch! Trust me; you'll save yourself a lot of heart break and countless readers from hearing you whine about her for three books.

**Eragon fans:** Yeah!

**Eragon:** I don't know… (Looks around shyly)

**Stefen Fangmeier: **Don't you dare!

**Christopher Paolini:** (Glares)

**Saphira:** (Growls) Screw them, what are they gonna do, make another movie?

**Stefen Fangmeier: **Hmm, good plan. I'll screw up the books even more.

**All:** (Groans)

_Meanwhile, the last few minutes of the movie…_

**Galbatorix: **How dare that brat defy me! I'm the king dammit, you think I where this damn crown because it's comfy? Damn it all!

_Galby get's mad and cuts the large map covering the whole back wall down._

**Shruikan:** About freakin' time I get some screen time! (Roars loudly)

_Outside the theater…_

**SF:** So, what'd you think?

**KM:** Eh, it was okay. Seeing Garrett shirtless was almost worth it.

**SF:** Yeah…but in Four Brothers we got to see him naked.

**KM:** That's right! Let's go home and watch it then.

**SF:** Good plan!

Well, this concludes my little Parody. I might do another movie, I might not. Only time and more JD will tell.


End file.
